Monday, 8 August 2016

GOODIES ON THE TABLE!!!

Salome was excited when she put the full stop at the end of her sentence. The Insurance Law Exam was not as bad as she thought it would be. She had a grasp of almost everything that was examined, and even those she was not sure about she did not lack something to write. The last question she tackled was dealing with tracking the historical development of the Insurance Law regime in Kenya, a piece of cake for her. It had been the last thing she read in the morning on her way to campus. She completed writing the exam exactly forty five minutes before the lapse of the stipulated three hours. She had a weakness of not being able to proofread her scripts, so she placed her pen down, leaned back in her chair and started staring into space and scrutinizing the exam room. A few seats ahead of her she noticed Jimmy referring to tiny pieces of paper and stuffing them back in his boots whenever the invigilator approached. ‘A sleek foxy one this dude,’ she thought. To her left she noticed Mary trying to find answers from somewhere in the ceiling, she smiled and picked up her paper to leave as soon as the invigilator walked back into the room. Immediately a gang followed behind her to hand in their scripts. Mary looked the more confused by this, she had now turned to trying to scratch the answers off her blonde hair weave – before you judge, it is the colour of her weave I am referring to.

As soon as they stepped outside the exam room and met up with a few other friends from the other exam rooms, they knew it was going down!! Nowadays it turns up!! That’s lit, right? That had been the second last examination. It was Friday and they were all excited about clearing the semester. The last paper was scheduled for Monday afternoon. Therefore, Salome and her friends had to make the weekend worth the while, they had to apologize to their bodies for what the last two exam weeks had been. It had been a lot of sleepless nights studying, so their bodies needed a few more sleepless nights, because a tipsy sleepless night was not an ounce as bad as a sober educated sleepless night. They rushed to the cafeteria and caught a quick bite of the pork smokies with some opting for the Chinese hotdogs (mwitu). While there, plans were quickly made and everybody rushed off to their hostels.

Salome sauntered off to her house, she lived outside campus in a one bedroom apartment and it was to be ground zero for the night’s operation. Their favoured rendezvous whenever there arose a serious mission.
          “Bravo One, Bravo Two, are you in position, over?”
          “Zero, Bravo One in position, over”
          “Bravo Two?”
          “In position, over”
          “Bravo Three, confirm your E.T.A”
          “Zero, Bravo Three, E.T.A 0300 hours, over”
          “Bravo One, Bravo Two, any visuals?”
          “Bravo One, confirmed Zero, assets cited”
          “Zero, Bravo Two, I confirm. Requesting permission to engage, over”
        “Bravo One, Bravo Two, move in. Fire at will. Bravo Three, speed up the supplies, over”
There it was, the mission was underway. Salome set up the kitchen as her two girlfriends Jane and Terry went to get the groceries and meat. They always ensured that they had a good meal before they ventured out, they preferred beef, it offered a better lining for their stomach walls against the alcohol. Gloria was the hardcore of them all, she was in charge of the ‘supplies’, she had rushed to town immediately to get some.

By 4pm the girls were almost done eating. Loud music was blaring in the background as they loudly chatted. Once they were through with their food, Gloria unveiled the package. It was a white polythene paper bag from Yako Supermarket. Anyone who has ever been to Eldoret town definitely knows what product the supermarket is a favourite retailer of to the town’s large student population. Gloria placed the two 750ml bottles of Kibao Vodka on the table and the girls all screamed in unison in celebration as they reached for the plastic party cups in the paper bag. If it were 2016, maybe the paper bag would have contained some coconut, strawberry or apple flavoured Flirt Vodka. However, it was 2012; the hard liquor was literally hard. Gloria also pulled out a 1-litre bottle of lime juice that was the trendy and trusted chase drink back then.

Do not wonder how I know all these, I may have as well stumbled upon someone’s personal journal tucked somewhere in the library in the middle of heavy Jurisprudence books.

This was a highly guarded secret activity for the girls. Not the drinking, but the fact that the drink involved was Kibao Vodka, sometimes a little Blue Moon Vodka was also involved. Being 2012, it was easy to keep the secret without the pressures brought about by Instagram and Snapchat. I remember recently telling my girlfriend how I pity a certain friend of hers, she rarely gets to enjoy an outing because she usually stressed more about getting the perfect angle for a selfie. She ends up eating cold food I presume, because before she touches her plate when out for a meal she has to find that perfect angle so she can #Foodie #FoodPorn #TummyLove to her followers. We do not want her to get less than 100 likes, do we? Anyways, those are the problems of today.

The girls drank, sang along to the Message Riddim, squealed along to Elaine’s high notes and danced as they ushered in the night. At about 8ppm the girls showered and brought out their clothes, it was time to dress up. They had each brought with them eight to ten sets of outfits. This was usually the hardest part of the night. It would take them about at least two and a half hours to get dressed. Being 2012 (again I stress) it was harder for a group of girls going out to dress up. If it were 2016 it would have been easier, after all nowadays whenever a group of girls go out together, they always seem to have one option – ALL WHITE. No? Yes, even when going to Kisii!! Is it too soon? Apologies.

They knew Jose the cab guy and his lies. So Salome had called him before 8pm to come and pick them up at 10:30pm. By 9pm they had to call him practically every five minutes to ensure he gets there by 10:30pm.
“Ninakucha! Ninakucha! Niko nimepeleka cutomer hapa Huruma. Takika kummi ama robo saa nitakuwa Annex, mkae tayari.” Yes he was a burly but surprisingly soft spoken Luhya fellow.
I know you must be wondering how ineffective a cab guy he was for him to have to be called at 8pm for a 10:30pm pick up. Well to the contrary he was nothing near ineffective. Now if you went to law school in Eldoret and do not know JOSE THE CAB GUY, then you are the fellows who went to town only once when your HELB loan still fresh in your pockets. Also note that going to that market near Naivas Supermarket to buy groceries in bulk does not count as going to town, that was putting Mama Karis and Oush out of business. If you did not know Jose, you might have as well never known who the Dean of Students was.

I have to snitch. Now if you are a parent with a child going to law school in Eldoret, is there anyone old enough for that who will read this? Anyways, or if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who was in law school in Eldoret and you want to find out their nocturnal ways, find JOSE. This guy’s little Toyota Vitz has carried your daughter or girlfriend half naked more times than her nanny changed her diapers when she was a new born. It has seen your son or boyfriend take home more girls than the Boko Haram did in Nigeria. As a brother’s keeper, let me advise my colleagues; before you marry that pretty girl you met at the Kenya School of Law or somewhere in court at Mavoko and you know she was in law school for her undergrad in Eldoret, YOU’D BETTER CALL JOSE!! Go the Eldoret, find him, it easy, and interview him, if he gives you a Certificate of Clearance, then marry that lady at twice her bride price!

Where were we? Right! So Salome and her girls arrived at club Spree at around 11pm. There they bought a few cans of reds and drank majestically as they danced suggestively. Soon their table had at least two 750ml bottles of Smirnoff Vodka (again, it was 2012) sent over by a hopeful and generous wheat farmer. It was a crazy night, they danced and drank like there was no tomorrow. A few boys from campus who had always been intimidated by them thought they were drunk enough and made their moves but they were immediately frozen (on twitter the term is curved).

At around 4am, the son of a legendary Kenyan retired athlete, an Olympics gold medallist, a man of many firsts (it is that season again #GoTeamKenya #Rio2016) who had been hitting on Terry and secretly had a thing going with Jane, came with his friends to pick the girls up. The group drove to somewhere in Elgon View estate to retire, or is it blackout? I have no idea what happened there, but for the sake of the parents and boyfriends (or future fianc├ęs as they may now be) I am willing to attempt a guess. They went to this big nice house where the boys took the couches and one bedroom as the girls took the other bedroom and soon everybody was safely, peacefully and soundly asleep.

The group came around at about 2pm on Saturday. Concoctions were made for the hangovers and a few shots of liquor were flashed for purposes of unlocking. The group freshened up (they actually just washed their faces) and drove to Eastleigh. Yes, there is also an Eastleigh in Eldoret, but this one was famous for the fish and fried chicken that would make your taste buds EXPLODE!! After TERRORIZING the food someone suggested that since it was still a fairly sunny afternoon, they should go swimming. Everybody agreed, they did not have their costumes with them but the feted legend’s son was around and therefore soon everyone had a brand new pair.

They drove to Naiberry Resort where they planned to swim. However, being Eldoret in Uasin Gishu and deep in the bowels of the Great Rift Valley, by the time they got to the resort which was about forty minutes from town, the weather had changed. It was too cold to swim and they decided to have fun and games instead, they were not going to waste the trip. Soon afterwards they had gone indoors at the insistence of one of the boys who was an Arsenal fan, to catch a game. Within no time Arsenal was losing to Swansea’s Michu (ha-ha-ha) and the table was full of bottles. Saturday night ended up being a replica of Friday night.

On Sunday at 1pm the girls woke up and dragged their hangovers back to campus. A weekend well spent, bodies well relieved of the strains of late night studying. Jane and Salome remained at Salome’s as the others left for their places. They spent most of the afternoon sleeping. Salome and Jane woke up at around 5:30pm to try and study for the final exam, Law of Business Associations. They looked at their books and for a while seemed ready to start before they subconsciously found themselves chatting and going through the little they could recollect about the previous two nights.

At about 6:30pm, Salome received a text message via SMS (there was no WhatsApp, need I say again what year it was?). The message was from Sachu, an Asian guy who had been hitting on Salome for two weeks now. After exchanging a few messages, Salome agreed to go meet up with him at Bistro, Jane was to accompany her. After all the girls had not had a proper meal since the previous night, they figured it would not hurt as this was a window for a nice free meal. They brought their books with them thinking since Gloria lived in the nearby Acacia hostels, they would go for a late night group study session.

Now if you think I overstressed the importance of knowing Jose the cab guy, hold that thought. Sachu is the guy you should actually know about if you had a daughter or girlfriend or if your wife to be is from the law school in Eldoret. This guy was no ordinary Indian guy you see around. He was an expatriate, a diplomat, an emissary. He was the head of the Asian envoy, a certified head of their Mafisi Sacco branch in Eldoret. This guy who used to hang around Bistro, just a few hundred meters from the campus attended to a great number of girls from the law school. He is probably one of the most learned persons in Kenya, he is a HOTBED of legal knowledge. This is because it is my personal belief that knowledge of the law can be sexually transmitted. You disagree? How many girls beat your sons and brothers to a seat at the graduation square yet they rarely stepped into the lecture halls, if they knew where they were? I deduct that they later got infected with ‘the law and legal principles’ by their lecturers. A learned virus, in another forum you will get a chance to critique my theory.

So before you marry that girl, take the next North Rift Shuttle to Eldoret, find Jose to drive you around, dig around and find out whether she was a friend of the Asian ambassador. If she never was, then you lucky brother should go back to her and use that invaluable information to SPICE up your marriage. I know the sisters are shocked at this, yes, the guys knew, but there was little they could do about it, so they broke your hearts with freshman year girls.

The two girls were treated to a nice sumptuous meal and a few drinks were served. They could not turn sown a cocktail drink and a few shots of tequila. Their sponsor (they were definitely not called that in 2012) however had other ideas about them going for group studies, and they had to give in. The group ended up cosying in his car and going to town. However, he operated differently from ordinary guys, they did not go to the clubs in the town centre, they went to Mamma Mia’s. No girl could turn that down back then, it was the only place pizza was available (remember the year?).

At about 8am on Monday, Salome was dropped off by Sachu at her place. She had no idea where Jane was but a few minutes to 9 o’clock she appeared at Salome’s, as worn out as Salome. The two girls started worrying about the afternoon’s exam. They cleaned up, Jane had brought with her two cans of Redbull energy drink and so they sat down sipping to study. They realised they were not making any headways with their books so they had to think outside the box.

The Law of Business Associations lecturer always repeated questions from the previous years’ examinations. The girls did a quick analysis and noted the most likely examinable areas. After all the assessment test they had sat earlier in the semester was a copy paste of the previous year’s paper. Some candidates had even walked in with scripts already drafted. Plus there were rumours that the don never used to mark the scripts, that he would throw them up and grade them depending on how far they landed from him. It was once also claimed that some scripts had been returned to students who were shocked to notice them ‘marked’ and commented on ‘good work’ upside down.

Salome took out a few pages from her book and split it into small strips of paper as she had seen with Jimmy the other day. Mwakenya it was called. For any foreign audience, she was simply creating ab external drive to back up her brain’s memory. The common areas and cases were quickly jotted down in the tinniest of handwritings possible. “Lifting the corporate veil, Salmon –vs- Salmon, Macaura –vs- Macaura, rule in Turquand’s case, the Ultra Vires principle, substratum rule, etcetera, etcetera, legal jargon, legal jargon, mutatis mutandis.” By 1pm she was ready and they left for the exam room for the paper which was set to commence at exactly 2pm.

Salome had successfully transferred most of the date from her external drive onto the exam script. The exam was poorly invigilated; maybe everyone was relaxed knowing it to be the last paper. With slightly over an hour to go, she had only one more question to tackle. She pulled out her mwakenya from her bra to copy the key points and cases at the back of her booklet so as to later expound on them while answering the question. Out of nowhere came the L.B.A lecturer and their eyes met. She froze. He froze.

As soon as Mr. Chebarnet made the first step forward Salome panicked. She was confused. Subconsciously she stuffed the piece of paper in her mouth, she reached inside her bra and pulled out the other pieces and stuffed them in her mouth. She chewed frantically. Chenarnet reached for her booklet and checked for any other materials, there was none. He seemed confused for a minute before he realised what she was actually upto – destroying evidence. He tried to reach for her mouth (I wonder what he was planning to do, stick in a figure maybe) but Salome turned towards the wall and swallowed. She turned back and looked at him ooh so innocently. Chebarnet confusion and frustration was now evident but he immediately seized authority of the situation. The class was laughing at the dramatic turn of events as she was escorted outside. After about five minutes she came back red faced to a giggling exam room and sat down to complete her paper.

Immediately after the exam was done, her small team gathered around her to brainstorm. Deliberations were exchanged and it was quickly decided that she should follow Mr. Chebarnet to his office and plead for his forgiveness and the release of her exam card and student I.D. Much was at stake, such an offence if reported to the University Senate would earn her a suspension for at least a thousand academic days, which is almost three calendar years.

Salome was a curvaceous beautiful girl with hair just long enough and a smile worth a thousand words. She was among the hottest girls on campus. She gathered her guts, straightened her short dress, adjusted her push-up bra to reveal just enough cleavage and set off for the office. Everybody knew of Mr. Chebarnet’s rumoured admiration for curvaceous light-skinned girls with a cleavage. She did not peg her hopes on satisfying this threshold, but she at least hoped it would soften his stand, of course coupled with lots of tears.

She knocked on the door and went in without waiting for an answer. Chebarnet lifted his eyes from his desk just long enough to see who it was and resumed what he was doing. For the next five minutes or so, Salome any trial advocate there is in Kenya, she even beat Allan Shaw of Boston Legal and the guy from Suits (Spencer? I don’t watch it, too fabricated). She gave the most moving mitigation she could manage as she made sure to sob just enough in the process. Suddenly Chebarnet leaned back and swung in his chair looking her straight in the eye. Salome immediately went dumb and stared back. In the heaviest of Kalenjin accent Salome had ever heard, Mr. Chebarnet ordered with a straight face his gaze still holding, “Wegelea fitu gwa mesa!!” This directly translated to; place your goodies on the table.

Salome collapsed there and then. Not much is known about what happened after but she never missed a day of the next semester on suspension. Her results for that particular semester satisfied the school’s examinations board and after the standard four under grad years, she graduated with a honours degree.





DISCLAIMER:
This is a recreation of a law school in Eldoret’s infamous LEGEND, the occurrence of which has never been satisfactorily proved or disproved; the characters and timelines depicted in the story are the creation of the writer’s imagination. Any semblance with actual persons and characters is totally coincidental and regrettable if the effect would be to depict such characters or persons in bad light in the eyes of their friends and the general public. However, it is worthy of note that the writer stands by any piece of advice offered to the unsuspecting members of the public, especially but not limited to the future husbands.  


Wednesday, 3 August 2016

PAIN!!

I have nothing but joy in my heart,
Wait, who am I kidding? I have abundance...
An abundance of pain,
An abundance of nothing but excruciating pain.
I feel it in my head, I feel in my neck, I feel it down my spine
Heck! I feel it in my heart.
Yes I said my heart!

I will look you in the eye and let you know,
Let you know exactly how I feel.
For when I look at you I feel loved,
Love that gives me joy
But that is in my eyes,
For in my heart I feel pain.
Did I say it again? Hmmm
Yes I said my heart!

You hear from me and feel the flatness,
As flat as...was it a pancake?
You think I am destructed, at times you feel anguish
At times you question yourself, you feel you are inadequate.
It is true! You are!
How did that feel? Ha-ha
Now you feel the pang I bet.
I am a douche bag, right?
Welcome...I bet you know where
Yes, that is my heart!